I am so sorry for what has happened, to us.
These past couple of weeks haven’t been the greatest to me, to you, to both of us.
I honestly don’t know the pain you are going through but my head, mind and heart are physically hurting.
This isn’t your fault, and I know that. I know.
It’s killing me to even write this message. My eyes are burning as I’ve cried that much, I’m crying now, writing this message. I can’t stop shaking. I can’t sleep or eat. I can’t.
Do you remember when I told you back at the beginning, I said I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you, I still mean that to this very day. To me, you are an angel. I truly mean that. You’ve stopped me from doing the worst to myself. no one could’ve ever did that, but you did.
You mean so so SO much to me and I honestly can’t live without you and I have fallen so in love with you so goddamn much I would do anything for you if you asked me too in a split-second.
Every single hour of every single day I think about you, seriously. Everywhere I go I constantly see things that would remind me of you. I can’t stop thinking about you.
I can’t just stick things into a box and forget about them, I cant do that, it’s too painful. I don’t want to forget, I don’t want to move on and I don’t want to let go. I can’t. I can’t take the pictures down and I can’t take off the wristband you gave me either because it means so much to me, you mean so much to me. I still read the all the letters and postcards you’ve sent me, as far back as to before you started your first year university. and it still gets me.
I know our relationship got off on the wrong foot, and it still wasn’t the greatest even recently, but I do wish I could go back in time to fix it all because you are all I live for, I would do anything to make things right. I do wish I could’ve seen more of you and I’m so sorry I didn’t. I am so so sorry. I am so sorry.
I didn’t fully realise you were waiting on me to message you. This has happened once before and I didn’t realise this time around. I wanted to, you have no idea how much I wanted to talk to you. I love talking to you. I love the tone of your voice.
I was at the small stone pier today, the one we were at before and you took pictures? I sat there for eight and a half hours today constantly thinking and crying. (by the way, someone stole your lollipop stick, the one you put in the wall). I didn’t want to leave the place.
I might go back there tomorrow because it holds a precious memory that I have of us. All memories that I have of us are precious to me, even the bad memories are precious to me because you are in them.
Do you remember the lock you left on the fence in Paris at Pont Neuf? That is the most beautiful thing, I can’t get over it. And the day you surprised me by coming to see me when I actually thought you were still in England? I still can’t believe that either. The day at Glenariff was amazing too, as well as the days at the beach and Carnfunnock. I love being around in your presence. I hope you understand how much you mean to me, and how much I need you in my life. From the very first day I met you, I loved you, and I will love you now and forever until I die.
I even miss the days when we would hold hands under a blanket. And the day we came back from Heroes and Legends, Saturday 18th February 2012 (Yes, I can still remember the date) when I sat across the seat from you on the train and looked you in the eyes, and what i saw was beautiful. and it still is, and forever will be.
I know your going back to England in 6 days and that isn’t a long time. I wish it was longer. I do. And after what happened yesterday, I’m gonna text you and call you and Skype you so much more because I’ve basically finished my year at school I have more time now, you don’t even have to answer or reply to me, I want you to know that i’m going to miss you so much and i’ll love you. forever and ever.
I love you so goddamn much and I will always love you.
I miss you so goddamn much, and I always miss you.
and I miss us so goddamn much, and I always miss us.
You are all I live for, you mean the world to me, I’d go through hell and back for you. You are the best part of my entire life.
I don’t and never want to say Goodbye. I want to keep on saying “See You Soon”.
I Love you.
I Miss you.
I Miss us.
Lying on my bed, staring at my phone, waiting for something